open post: in a carefully staged pavilion

[peaklordshen]

Shen Qingqiu is luxuriating in having his cultivation restored. He's also steeling himself for his next conversation with Luo Binghe, trying to engineer everything about it so he doesn't fucking die. The combination means he is being... maybe a little bit extra.

The Mansion's closets have a strange way of giving him the clothing he's used to; apparently both as Shen Qingqiu and—before that. He ignores the array of jeans and Naruto t-shirts and selects a set of fine silk robes in greens of deepening hue, so that the crossed layers at his throat imitate the sequential layers of a bamboo shoot: from forest green passing through spring green and jade to near-white as they reach his skin. He also takes great care with his hair and his guan—he can't look like a slob in front of the Emperor.

There are several beautiful Chinese-style pavilions on the Mansion grounds¹, and he chooses one in the shadow of a blossoming cherry tree. The sun is high, painting dappled shadows across the floor of the pavilion as the blossoms sway in the breeze. He fetches a small writing table and sets it up on one side of the pavilion. Under it he tucks the congee, rescued from the rice cooker, which is...well, it can charitably be said to smell like it might be edible. As long as Binghe doesn't think he's being intentionally poisoned, maybe it'll be okay?

He takes great care with the invitation. He considers writing it with the very expensive pen Crowley had conjured for him, but it feels wrong, not to grind his own ink for it; disrespectful, somehow. Thankfully he keeps an extra brush and ink stone in the qiankun pouch in his sleeve. He crumples up several drafts before he's happy with his calligraphy,² and decorates the edges of the page with bamboo leaves and elegant black lotuses.

If he were really doing this properly, he'd have taken the time to boil some cherry blossom petals, distill their steam into perfume, and then add it to the ink—but he'd felt like he was risking his life just going back into the kitchens for the congee. It's the most likely place for Luo Binghe to be, after all, since there's no throne room or audience hall here, and the whole point of the invitation in the first place is for them to meet on Shen Qingqiu's respectful and very much non-confrontational terms.

He folds the invitation and marks it with Luo Binghe's name and a small talisman that both seeks his former disciple and makes sure he's the only one who can open it. With a wave of his hand he sends it wafting away on the breeze, and then settles back. To wait. He has a small stack of parchment at his elbow, so when Luo Binghe arrives—or if anyone else should happen upon him—he can pretend he had something occupying him rather than just sitting here, paralyzed with anticipation.

¹ As established by Temeraire.
² This is definitely just him being obsessive and a perfectionist. As Peak Lord of the scholar's peak at Cang Qiong, Shen Qingqiu's calligraphy is impeccable. He's won contests.

Comments

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe reaches out lightning-fast and grips his wrist. "Don't—how dare you try to leave!" The tears spill over, hot as blood, and just as painful. "Sit down!"

[peaklordshen]

Shen Qingqiu sits, immediately, all of the fearful stiffness immediately going out of him at the sight of real tears on Binghe's face. He doesn't try to pull his wrist out of Binghe's grip. These aren't watering eyes from too much spice or unpleasant tastes, these are enormous, undeniably emotional, Studio Ghibli-ass tears. "Binghe," he breathes. What—why on earth was his stupid congee making him react like this?

[protagonisthalo]

He's so responsive, so sensitive—so irresistible. Luo Binghe can't stand it. "You're not Shen Qingqiu. You can't be the same man. If he—if he could be like this—" Shen Qingqiu no longer looks like he's about to bolt, but Luo Binghe is loath to let go of him. He wipes his face with his other hand. "If he could be so—I would have seen it. I looked."

[peaklordshen]

Oh, fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

How—what had it been? Had the original goods actually been amazing at cooking?? It's not one of the Five Arts, so he figured it would be fine!! But maybe he'd had to cook when he was living with the Qiu family—that whole backstory had been totally dropped, with no useful details at all!! You lazy hack Airplane, you're not even in this world and you're still finding ways to fuck me!!!

"This—this master doesn't know what you mean," he tries, weakly, with the air of a bug flipped over on its back, waving its legs around in the air. It's not going to work, but it's the method he's got. Maybe he can at least buy himself some time to think.

[protagonisthalo]

If he had any doubts, the way even Shen Qingqiu sounds unconvinced by his words dispels them. The look on his face is pure terror, which Luo Binghe doesn't understand. For someone so much more appealing than Shen Qingqiu in every way, why would he want Luo Binghe to think he's that snake?

"Maybe you are Shen Qingqiu," he says. "I'm not educated enough in what changes between realities—perhaps one soul can express itself this differently depending on its circumstances of birth. But the man I knew, if he were to try to be kind, if he ever had someone he cared about—he wouldn't do it like this. He despised being looked down on above all else, and he would rather die than admit to a mistake. He would never, ever display a skill he hadn't mastered, and if someone pointed out his deficiency, he wouldn't apologize." The idea of this man trying something he was so unsure of, just hoping it would appeal to Luo Binghe... Why does he even care so much whether Luo Binghe forgives him? Is it all based on his disciple, that other Binghe that he can never be? Luo Binghe is more desperate than ever to know what the other one did.

[peaklordshen]

Oh. That—makes more sense, than the being good at cooking thing. And of course Bingge—with his incredible perception and genius IQ—would notice how OOC he's being. It occurs to him for the first time that maybe the only reason he'd been able to keep up appearances in front of his Binghe is that he was a child, expecting reality to make sense around him, and not because Shen Qingqiu is actually particularly good at being Shen Qingqiu.

There are people, here, at the Mansion, whom Bingge has interacted with, spoken to, spent time with, who he has not killed for the slight. He hasn't even killed Claudius, and it's not like Bingge's ever going to kiss Shen Qingqiu.¹ And—what are his other choices?? Keep insisting that he is the one who tortured and abused him, when he'd tried to do his best not to be? When he'd hated that guy almost as much as Bingge does?

But—avoiding it entirely, pretending he's just some guy, dropped into this world just like everyone else, ignoring the pain he had caused Binghe, even if it's not this Binghe, makes guilt squirm in his stomach.

He sags, gently lifting his wrist from Bingge's hold. He doesn't draw back, though, laying his hand atop Binghe's against the writing desk. "I," he says, and hesitates, choosing his words carefully. "I have been Shen Qingqiu. For the past five years. Not... by choice, but even so." He swallows. "I did what I could, but—in the big things, the ones that mattered, I...acted in accordance with Shen Qingqiu's actions. So. For that—" he gestures to the congee, rueful, implying again its inadequacy.

¹ Despite what Claudius had insinuated, definitely before this, and not happening simultaneously to now a few comments down.

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe doesn't resist as Shen Qingqiu pulls his wrist back and grabs his hand. The carefulness of his touch—the way he touches Luo Binghe as though he can scarcely believe he's permitted—threatens to undo him again.

Five years, and not by choice. Luo Binghe pays close attention to every word, including those swallowed in the pauses, trying to understand. He "acted in accordance with Shen Qingqiu"—then, was the original bastard still around somehow? Directing and manipulating this suggestible naïf? But as endearing as Luo Binghe finds this version, this Shen Qingqiu seems incapable of being honest with him. Why not tell him immediately, especially when Luo Binghe threatened his life? He's hiding something, and as deeply as Luo Binghe wants to believe in his simple acts of kindness, he does not trust easily. He wipes clean the last traces of wetness on his face, attempting to harden his heart. "The qi deviation you spoke of, then... It was a lie."

[peaklordshen]

Shen Qingqiu swallows as Binghe's expression changes, hardens. Maybe this had been a bad move after all. He takes his hand back, tucking it and the other protectively into his sleeves.

"It's the explanation I was provided," he says, "when I—woke up as Shen Qingqiu. Zhangmen-shixiog and Mu-shidi told me I had qi deviated, gave it as explanation for the changes in behavior, in personality. I said nothing to them—first because I couldn't, and then because—" he shakes his head. He can't explain things like plot to Luo Bingge—it skirts too close to concepts of authorship, of being written, of being puppeted by some unseen force, and he has no idea how he would react to that other than it being very, very bad. "They had never been here, it's not like they could understand moving between worlds. Realms, yes, the human and the demon, but not entire worlds. So then I repeated that explanation, here, because I had only just arrived, and I didn't think you would understand, either."

He licks his lips. "Besides, if you thought I wasn't Shen Qingqiu at all—" he stops, feeling foolish.

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe does not know how he feels about this man, but he knows he hates not to be touching him. He is sensitive, Luo Binghe's already noticed that, and he's paying close attention to Luo Binghe, as do those who either greatly admire or fear him. Is Luo Binghe's own hesitance then doomed to scare Shen Qingqiu—for lack of a better name—off? He has learned to be distrustful to protect himself. Can he not protect himself and still have Shen Qingqiu?

If Luo Binghe thought he wasn't Shen Qingqiu, then what? He wouldn't have bothered talking to him, probably. Maybe that's what Shen Qingqiu means. For some reason he wants Luo Binghe to talk to him, and he wants Luo Binghe to think well of him. This lovely, timid impostor.

"Give me your hand again," he says, having no reason not to ask for what he wants. Shen Qingqiu looked happier when they were touching, anyway. "I've never heard of such a tale, or met such a world-traveler. If I seem cold, it is due to caution, not indifference. I would like to hear more, but it seems to trouble you to speak of, and I do not know what to ask."

[peaklordshen]

Shen Qingqiu feels himself go pink and has to snap open his fan to hide it, but he gives Binghe back his other hand. Why does he feel like he's being treated like a shy wife, or a shaky-legged newborn fawn??

"It's not that I don't like to speak of it,"¹ he says. "It's just—having not spoken of it for so long, I'm not sure what to say." Plus, he thinks, what am I even supposed to tell you about my useless first life, when my favorite thing about it was sitting in my room giving a terrible author money to read about you?

¹ Liar.

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe takes his hand and holds it palm-up in his own, softly tracing the palm with his other thumb. He needs a moment to assess what he knows. He is almost certain now that this man is the same as the Shen Qingqiu he encountered in his own involuntary jaunt between worlds. If a wandering spirit woke up as Shen Qingqiu in one reality, he might do it in another. And if that is the case, then Luo Binghe has won. What he wanted is his—or near enough to it.

This whole time, he's felt that the mansion is testing him. Leading him to one conclusion, whether or not it is true. And after his conversation with Crowley, he has begun to think that it only matters if they are to return to their own realms. Here in this place, who minds if he lies with men or women? Half the men here have similar tastes. Who expects him to have a harem of hundreds? There isn't even room for them. The one thing that frightens him—so much that he cannot dismiss it—is being sent back without notice. What if he allows himself to live in this new way, and when he goes back to his palace, he finds everything he's built his legacy on to be meaningless? By embracing what he's drawn to, he risks destroying what he's left behind.

It almost seems as if fate has led him here specifically to meet this man. The timing is too precise. He met Claudius first, and his appetites were whetted. He encountered the blank library book, which caused him to ruminate on his tastes. He was introduced to woman after woman that spurned him, perhaps meant to turn him away from the entire sex. And then Shen Qingqiu arrived. He might think it a gift from fate, but fate has never been kind to him. It still feels more like a trap, with Shen Qingqiu as the bait. But thinking that doesn't make him want Shen Qingqiu less. He had two days with this man six months ago, and has thought of them every day since. If this is temporary, he should not be holding himself back; he should be charging ahead as eagerly as possible to make the most of it.

That settles the matter. If his reward were only fickle Claudius or intriguing Sagramore, he might not find it worth it to explore his newfound desires. But Shen Qingqiu is a prize beyond measure. He must make Shen Qingqiu his, no matter the cost. And having seen him with the other Luo Binghe, it almost seems a guarantee. He can hardly stand that any time remains between him and the outcome he craves.

"Don't tell me of yourself, then—tell me of myself. You became Shen Qingqiu unexpectedly, and you met Luo Binghe. Is your regard for me based on a naive child?" He laughs, a touch bitterly. "If so, you will be greatly disappointed. I'm afraid I'm not who I was, when I was Shen Qingqiu's disciple."

[peaklordshen]

Shen Qingqiu immediately shakes his head, and then panics about how to explain why he's shaking his head. Bingge's got it all backwards, though—his fondness for his young disciple is a natural consequence of his fine qualities, of course; his obedience, his youthful beauty, his courage, his intelligence—but sweet young disciple Binghe is not the Binghe Shen Qingqiu—Shen Yuan—had been paying Airplane-Shooting-Toward-The-Sky to read about. He'd been in it for the darkness he knows Bingge contains, the ruthlessness, how absolutely badass he was, and through it all his capacity for tenderness, for love, for—he feels himself blush harder, is glad to have already arrayed his fan in front of his face. Anyway. His previous point stands, though—he can't tell Binghe he's fictional, both for his own sake and because everyone here except Shen Qingqiu himself is fictional, and that would be opening an unbelievably big and squirmy can of worms.

He remembers what he'd told Asmodean, to explain his knowledge of Binghe, and repurposes it. "Before I was Shen Qingqiu," he says, "I... encountered tales of you. Books of prophecy, enumerating your many deeds and conquests. I found them..." he fans himself, a little, embarrassed, "...compelling. Enough that it felt like a—a sick joke, to be dropped into this body, forced to be cruel to you, to—" he thins his lips, pressing them together. He's getting mad about his transmigration all over again, surprisingly mad. He'd been resigned for so long, but all of this—saying it out loud, the injustice of it, of the OOC lock—it's such bullshit. What was the fucking point, System?? Just to make him watch as his own hands committed acts that Luo Binghe would hate him for??

[protagonisthalo]

It's still strange to see Shen Qingqiu's face be so expressive, never mind what he's expressing—anger and hurt over things Luo Binghe has lived with for so long. After his Shen Qingqiu's public trial, everyone knows what Luo Binghe went through in his youth, but no one feels bad for him anymore. Not with the position he has now. No one ever acts as though his pain is hurting them. It's difficult to believe that it could really be Luo Binghe that Shen Qingqiu is so anxious to please. The figure described in songs and legends about him, and the obedient little disciple he once was, are both poor preparation for the reality. Many people grow tired of him over time; that's why it's so important for him to wed them before they do. Shen Qingqiu does not know him well enough to promise him the devotion he wants.

"An admirer of mine, then." He's thinking aloud on purpose, wanting to see Shen Qingqiu's reaction. He intertwines their fingers, closing their hands together. "An admirer with little experience in the kitchen. Who likes me well enough to lie to me about who he is, to apologize to me with Shen Qingqiu's face merely to be near me. Few of my wives have gone so far to catch my interest. I'll admit—you have it, little lost spirit."

[peaklordshen]

"Oh," says Shen Qingqiu, startled. Luo Bingge's hands are--very large, his fingers gentle and elegant as they twine with his own. He feels warm, at being addressed so sweetly, as if he's--as if they're--damn Claudius for his ridiculous insinuations. There's no way that's how Binghe meant it, despite the wife comparison--it's just that his wives are the only ones he's usually this kind to, that's all.

He pulls his hand back a little, though not all the way, unable to convince himself to stop touching Binghe even in his embarrassment. "I--I wasn't seeking your interest," he admits. "I wouldn't know what to do with it if I had it. I was only hoping that my presence here wouldn't cause you further pain." And also hoping that Bingge wouldn't cause him pain, fatal-type pain, but he figures that kind of goes without saying.

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe might take the slight recoil and disagreement as an insult, if he were not so attentive to Shen Qingqiu's reactions. This man has been seeking Luo Binghe's interest since he arrived. The way his eyes keep straying toward Luo Binghe as though he can't help himself. The way his hands twitch as though he yearns to touch. Not to mention the meticulously prepared invitation Shen Qingqiu sent him in the library. No, this is just more endearing shyness.

Except—maybe it's because he still can't dissociate this person from Shen Qingqiu, or maybe it's just that he already wants him so badly—but Luo Binghe's confidence falters. Hasn't he already learned that he can't trust his instincts in this cursed estate? Perhaps he speaks truth, and cares about Luo Binghe just enough to spare his feelings. Luo Binghe drops Shen Qingqiu's hand.

"Then—" He swallows. "If that was your intent—did you intend this to be the end of our association? Now that you've presented your gift, and said your piece? If there is debt between us—and I'm not convinced that there is—I release you."

[peaklordshen]

Shen Qingqiu stares at him. There's—it can't be that easy. Hadn't Binghe been listening? Did he not know what it meant, when Shen Qingqiu had said I acted in accordance with Shen Qingqiu's actions? He briefly considers telling him—looking him in the eye and saying, I still pushed you. You looked at me with a whole constellation of broken trust in your eyes and I-

But—but Bingge is looking at him now, older, even more handsome. There's no yawning Abyss behind him, just beautiful swaying branches sending cherry petals floating down around them, but his face is eerily similar, as if Shen Qingqiu telling him he doesn't want to spend time with him would be as great a blow, as enormous a betrayal. And—he remembers Sir Sagramore's suggestion, that perhaps he and Bingge could be friends. It feels somehow much less impossible than it had only an hour or so ago.

He smiles, reassuring. "Of course not," he says. "I only thought you would want nothing more to do with me. If you—" want to be around me feels way too bold, so he just skips saying it, "—maybe we could just, like. Hang out? Sometime?"

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe breathes again. As he thought—it was more of that maidenly coquetry that makes this Shen Qingqiu so enticing. He doesn't quite understand the phrase—what are they hanging out?—but context makes it clear.

"We could," he agrees. He would like to continue talking now, but he doesn't want to push the matter. Luo Binghe can be patient—with difficulty—but it feels dangerous to allow someone to wander freely who can make him feel like this. Especially since Luo Binghe has placed no claim on him. He is so enchanting, perfect and sweet as a ripe apricot. Anyone here could attempt to take what should be Luo Binghe's. He doesn't trust a one of them—well, except Nina.

"If I may ask—I loathe thinking of you as 'Shen Qingqiu.' Is there another name I might use?"

[peaklordshen]

No, Shen Qingqiu almost blurts, an instinctive and panicked denial. Of course he has another name—he'd just thought of himself as his other name, for the first time in five years. But the idea of Luo Binghe calling him by it makes him feel—crazy, unmoored and captive at once, like he would be raising the ghost Nina had kindly pointed out he is inside the cage of the only body he has, calling on Shen Qingqiu to be two irreconcilable things at once. He hides further behind his fan. "I'm afraid no other name suits me," he demurs.

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe is disappointed, but he can accept it. Who knows what name a rogue spirit may call itself? But he is already getting mixed up in his head calling this person Shen Qingqiu, when this person has done nothing to wrong him—although it sounds like he may have caused some hurt to the other Luo Binghe, under Shen Qingqiu's sinister direction.

But there is another name he might use, one he already used with this exact man in the other world. At the time, he didn't understand why the other Binghe would use this name with someone he was intimate with, but maybe it was for this reason—drawing a distinction between this entity and Shen Qingqiu. It may not be an appropriate title, but Luo Binghe doesn't mind using it. In fact, it gives him an almost illicit thrill to imagine saying it with the affection he feels.

He lowers his eyes, then looks up at not-Shen Qingqiu through his lashes, keeping his tone light and teasing. "Shizun?"

[peaklordshen]

A chill goes down Shen Qingqiu's spine. That's—why, he wails, silently, when they'd just established he's not Bingge's Shizun at all?? And why say it like that, up through his long, beautiful eyelashes, so the light catches in the deep brown of his eyes and makes him even more alluring than he already is?? What kind of—of student/teacher roleplay—

"Binghe," he chides, so scandalized it's more gasp than word.

[protagonisthalo]

He is so cute. It's a revelation, as though Luo Binghe is seeing the sun break through the clouds for the first time—hard to look at directly, and yet lifechanging in the way it lights up all the world around him. "Shizun," he says again, delighted, and then laughs at himself. This man is not, and his never been, his shizun, but Luo Binghe will call him so as long as he will react like that. He associates the word more with Meng Mo than with Shen Qingqiu, anyway—let him dust it off and gift it to a fresher face. "It suits you."

[peaklordshen]

"It does not," Shen Qingqiu insists, but he looks away from Binghe's face as he says it. They're going to be friends, apparently, and Binghe has to call him something. He'll just have to—steel himself against it. It's better than blood parasites, he tells himself. Get used to it.

"I need to," he tries, and shuffles his papers. "I should," but even if Bingge is better-disposed toward him now, he can't exactly just dismiss himself from the Emperor's presence. He just also can't just sit here, while Binghe looks at him like that. He needs time! Space! A little room to breathe!!

He likes making friends; he'd gotten along well with the other Peak Lords, once they'd gotten used to him being less severe than they expected, and in his first life he'd had a number of friends—both the other bored rich kids of his parents' friends and fellow enthusiasts he'd met at conventions. The idea of making friends with Bingge is totally surreal, especially without his usual standard friendship activities, like watching anime together or whatever, but the Mansion has fridges, and other devices—he guesses it's not impossible he could get one of the sitting rooms to cough up a Gamecube or something. He bets Bingge would kill at Smash.

[protagonisthalo]

"So eager to leave me?" Luo Binghe says in a low voice that he uses often with his wives. He is teasing still, but there is true anxiety behind the question that he struggles to hide. He has not yet learned to master himself around someone who affects him so deeply. And perhaps he knows, or hopes, that if he fails to fully master himself—if he lets show that he wants Shen Qingqiu's company badly—then Shen Qingqiu might respond with tenderness. No one has ever treated Luo Binghe as so fragile, and it's—insulting, surely—but he can't help but try to draw it out. Shen Qingqiu does not like to answer his questions, but he is sensitive to Luo Binghe's moods. Perhaps Luo Binghe asked the question because he truly wanted to hear the answer.

[peaklordshen]

Shen Qingqiu's stops thinking about Super Smash Brothers immediately, leaning forward to cup Binghe's cheek. This completely shameless man.¹ "Of course not," he says. "If Binghe wishes me here, I will be here."

¹ Sorry, who's tenderly stroking who's face, here, Shen Qingqiu?

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe leans into the touch, giving Shen Qingqiu his prettiest smile. It is the answer he wanted—but Shen Qingqiu was attempting to leave only a moment ago. Now that Luo Binghe is satisfied that he would stay if asked, he can allow it.

But it's difficult to let him simply walk away. He is not yet Luo Binghe's, and they have not determined when they might see each other again. Luo Binghe wants more of a guarantee than "sometime." He wishes for a token he could give Shen Qingqiu, the way he switched sword tassels with Liu Mingyan when they were young. Knowing she had his tassel by her side kept him confident that he was still in her thoughts throughout the long years in the Abyss. He has nothing on him now that might serve such a purpose.

Luo Binghe withdraws one of the books from the library from his storage ring. "Take this," he says. "The books here tell of many strange worlds. I would like to hear your thoughts." And he would like Shen Qingqiu to come back to him.