closed post: luo binghe's bedroom

[peaklordshen]

After Airplane's gone, and Liu Mingyan is presumably gone, and King Arthur is gone, and Jiang Cheng is gone, and the Mansion is filled with just the expected people once more, Shen Yuan feels—exhausted. Every time he sets into some kind of normalcy here, makes some kind of plan, feels some kind of way about why he's here, what he's doing, what he wants, something upends the whole thing and throws everything into question again.

Or—well. It's not like seeing Airplane again and meeting Liu Mingyan actually changed anything. It just made it—kind of more real, the idea of leaving here eventually—possibly a soon eventually, now that Luo Binghe has Xin Mo again—and going to her version of things and not to his. Shen Yuan's, Airplane's—well, it was Airplane's version, actually, but not the one with him in it.

Liu Mingyan had seemed so sad. Not actively, not about what was happening to her in the moment, but passively sad, like it was her normal state of being. And she was Empress!! If she was sad, married to Luo Binghe and with all the riches of the Three Realms, what about the normal nobodies of Proud Immortal Demon Way?? He hadn't thought his world was all that different than the original goods, not in the broad strokes, but he'd spent most of his time, well... goofing off, with the other Peak Lords, when he could, and pretty much all of them were dead at Luo Binghe's hand. Who was he supposed to goof off with, when Luo Binghe was too busy being Emperor to have time for him?

The concept of Luo Binghe being too busy for him at all is displeasing enough, and he's man enough to admit that in the mood he's in, what he really wants is to be held. So he's sitting on Luo Binghe's bed, in Luo Binghe's bedroom, idly flipping through Luo Binghe's copy of Veiled Moon and waiting for him to come back.

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[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe's breath catches. It's exactly what he was trying to explain to Nina, as far back as the dispute¹ with Claudius. It's not so easy for him to just let things go, or be kind, like it seems to be for everyone else here. He cannot react in a measured way to slights—he must punish everyone who acts against him with tenfold the force, because otherwise he would long ago have been killed. By palace assassins, by false allies, or by Shen Qingqiu himself.

And it's not easy to be hated for his cruelty. But he also cannot change himself to be liked. If he's learned anything from his pathetic childhood, it's that doing so never works, and only leads to being both hated and miserable. It's better to simply be hated. He's believed that for ten years, and never had reason to doubt it before coming here. This is the first place that's made him question himself, and he has even tried to make small changes—to be more merciful, and less quick to anger—but it's only causing those buried insecurities to resurface. It might never be enough, and Luo Binghe will force himself into some unnatural shape only to end up still alone.

But Shen Yuan is saying that there's another option: to be loved even now, without effort. Strangely, it is the thing that has most made him want to change. Not to earn Shen Yuan's love, but simply to give him the best version of Luo Binghe possible.

"It's hard for me to believe," he says. "Because I want that so much, and I have never been able to have what I want without fighting."

¹...

[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan shakes his head. "But you have fought for it," he says. "Your whole life. You've fought to stay alive in a world that hated you, all so you could one day end up here, where I can--I can try to make you happy." He flushes when he says it; it seems like kind of a shitty reward for a lifetime of hardship. He bites his lip and pushes Luo Binghe's hair back from his face. "You don't have to keep fighting now. You can rest."

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe turns his face into Shen Yuan's shoulder with a sob, openly crying like he hasn't since he was a child. He wraps his arms around Shen Yuan's back. The relief is painful, like his fears are leaving scars as they tear their way out of him. Maybe that's also Shen Qingqiu's fault. That Luo Binghe is so maladjusted, so poorly suited to life, that everything has to hurt, even happiness. It doesn't matter, though, not with Shen Yuan to hold him. "I'd do anything for you," he sobs, "anything—I want to make you happy too."

[peaklordshen]

"Shhh," Shen Yuan soothes him, smiling a little into his hair. "I know." It's so sweet of Binghe to make this a two-way street, but he doesn't have to. He holds him tight, running his hands over Binghe's back, and lets him cry it out.

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe keeps expecting something to go wrong. He's looking for the cracks in the porcelain, but no matter what he does, Shen Yuan continues to be good and loving and perfect. Maybe he's right, and this is what Luo Binghe was always struggling for without knowing it. If so, it has all been worth it.

He lets himself cry for some time, giddy with the knowledge that Shen Yuan will hold him for as long as he does. Even after he stops, he stays burrowed into Shen Yuan's arms, greedy for as much comfort as he's allowed. He always wants more from others than they're willing to give; even those he's closest to tire of him before long. He is too intense, too moody and pessimistic, too needy. Yet Shen Yuan pours his affection into Luo Binghe like there is no end to it.

[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan would happily fall asleep like this, Binghe tucked into his arms, except that whenever he opens his eyes Xin Mo is still radiating at him. He frowns, trying to ignore it, but even with his eyes closed he can feel it, a watchful presence that gnaws at the edge of his spiritual awareness like a thousand evil little termites. Finally he takes a breath. "Binghe," he says. "Can I--just--let me do something for a sec." He attempts to gently disentangle himself.

[protagonisthalo]

"No," Luo Binghe says petulantly, clinging to him tighter.

[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan laughs. His boyfriend is so cute. He kisses him on the head again, twice, and then again on the tip of the nose as he squirms (nakedly, he might add) out of bed. He feels ridiculous--he's never just had his dick out so casually in front of someone before--as he rummages through the pocket of his jeans and produces the white, talisman-inscribed leather he'd asked Liu Mingyan for while Binghe was off fetching Airplane earlier.

He wraps Xin Mo in it, careful not to actually touch the blade--he doesn't think anything would happen unless he actually tries to wield it, but still--and then crawls back into bed, immediately much more comfortable.

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe burrows back into Shen Yuan's arms, rubbing his shoulders to warm him up—his skin is cool from the air outside the bed. He gazes sleepily into Shen Yuan's eyes. "It bothers you?"

[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan bites his lip at the unbearably adorable softness in his eyes. How can you look at someone with a hundred hazy stars in your eyes while asking such a plot-relevant question?? How is he supposed to concentrate enough to answer?? "It--worries me," he confesses. "A little. I know it's your sword, but--"

[protagonisthalo]

"I understand that. Xin Mo is volatile. It's not an easy sword to manage. But..." Luo Binghe cups Shen Yuan's cheek. "I don't like being unarmed. There was someone here today who was more powerful than me, at least without Xin Mo. If he had threatened you..."

[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan blinks. "Here today? You mean, like, one of the visitors?" He does a mental list, but the idea of any of the ones he met--King Arthur, Jiang Cheng--being stronger than Binghe is laughable. "Who?"

[protagonisthalo]

"A demon looking for Crowley." He makes a face. "I tried to fight him, and he turned into a cloud of maggots. And then regenerated as though I'd done nothing. Luckily, he left on his own—but you don't know what could happen here. I don't want to be vulnerable." He bites his lip. "The only thing that I don't like about having Xin Mo here... is that I want things between us to be for us. Not for my sword." He had no compunctions about using his wives to sate Xin Mo, as long as they were willing, which they always were. But Luo Binghe frequently slept with his wives for practical reasons–curse-breaking, politics, and so on—so appeasing Xin Mo was just one more. Even if Luo Binghe doesn't mind Xin Mo's bite, he doesn't want to feed it Shen Yuan's qi.

[peaklordshen]

"Oh, I don't mind that," says Shen Yuan, immediately, and then goes red. "I mean--obviously I want things to be, um, for us, but if it stops Xin Mo from hurting you, it's worth it, obviously." He hesitates. "And you're right about, like. The unpredictability and potential dangers here. I just--"

How does he say, 'I worry about what Xin Mo may encourage you to do,' five minutes after fiercely reassuring him it doesn't matter if he does everything like he would have back home?? Even though both things are true, they sound totally at odds!! Luo Binghe will go back to thinking Shen Yuan needs him to be different, when really he just wants him to be happy. He shakes his head, and cuddles closer.

[protagonisthalo]

"Trust me," Luo Binghe says, dropping a kiss onto his forehead. If Shen Yuan really did read everything about him, then he knows Luo Binghe's neither gives up nor compromises. He will have his sword, and he will not make Shen Yuan use his body to calm it, and he will not lose his mind to it. It's not clear how all these things can be possible at once, but he'll find a way.

Luo Binghe also doesn't want to say it until he has a moment to test it for himself, but Xin Mo might end up helping Shen Yuan. If its ability to travel through worlds is intact, Luo Binghe might really be able to give Shen Yuan his family back. That alone is worth the risk.

[peaklordshen]

"Alright," says Shen Yuan, relenting. "Just--don't use it unnecessarily, okay? Just if it's really necessary, if you really can't win without it." That should pretty much do it--barring another visit by this maggot guy anyway. Which reminds him--he didn't know Binghe and Crowley were close, but it sounds like he really went out of his way to protect him. That's so heroic and sweet! He finds Binghe's hand so he can hold it.

[protagonisthalo]

"Mm," Luo Binghe says, not exactly promising, just in case. Then, to change the subject: "What did you mean when you said you had a lot of practice defending me?"

[peaklordshen]

Don't think I didn't notice that wasn't a yes, Luo Binghe!!! But he doesn't have the heart to dodge this a second time, so he says, "Um. Well--when I read about you. It wasn't just, like, a book I had, or something, it was--there's a thing in my world called the internet, which lets a lot of people read the same thing at once and then talk about it, and--well, I had--um, a lot of thoughts about your story. Like the thoughts I have about Blood at Dusk. And a lot of other people..." He scowls a little. "A lot of other people thought a lot of stupid, wrong trash about you. So I would--you know, correct them."

[protagonisthalo]

The circumstances don't surprise Luo Binghe—he is a frequent topic of public discussion in his own world, so it makes sense that a book of his life would gain popularity in another. And plenty of people slander him all the time. But Shen Yuan defending him—when he didn't even know Luo Binghe, and wasn't doing it to earn favor, merely out of righteous passion—makes his heart so warm it seems it heat him from within. He hides his smile in Shen Yuan's hair, but it comes through his voice when he speaks. "What did you say?"

[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan shifts. "Oh, like—sometimes people would say it was unrealistic for all of these women to be into you, when obviously that's the most realistic part of the whole book." He still can't believe Airplane claimed the wives lost interest in Binghe—he's getting mad again just thinking about it. "And I'd—you know. Say that, or call people out because like—if they were transported into your world and faced with, um, your face, and your body and—and bearing and everything, as if they wouldn't fall to their knees about it, regardless of if they're straight. Or—sometimes people would say some revenge you took was too over the top, and I'd tell them they just didn't get the magnitude of the original crime, how much it had hurt you, and how cutting people in half hotdog-style is how you expressed that hurt. You know, basic—basic stuff."

[protagonisthalo]

Obviously there's no response to that except to pull back a little and kiss him, softly but with intent. Luo Binghe still worries about Shen Yuan's friends not liking him—Shen Yuan would respect their opinions more than strangers'—but this does a lot to convince him that Shen Yuan's regard is not easily swayed. When he pulls back he says, "So you've been ready to get on your knees for me long before tonight?"

[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan flushes very red. "I—I didn't know it meant anything about me," he protests. "I really thought—I really think—anyone would, especially—especially if they saw it."

[protagonisthalo]

It's good that Shen Yuan put Luo Binghe through so much grief at first, denying his feelings and running from the kiss. Otherwise, he would be too tempted to believe that this was a dream after all, despite everything, and Shen Yuan was spun together by some clever demon to captivate him utterly. "Oh? I like yours too."

[peaklordshen]

"Really?" asks Shen Yuan, cheeks still burning. "But it's just, like—" he waves a hand in a there's really nothing at all special about my dick kind of gesture. "I guess—I mean, if it's the only other one you've seen, I guess you'd have to like it, by default."

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe has much to say to that, and he plans to return to the topic at the earliest convenience, but he should correct the misconception first. He's sure it won't bother Shen Yuan, given what he already knows about Luo Binghe's number of partners—but if he does get a little jealous and possessive, Luo Binghe would like that too. Perhaps he would go to Sagramore and slam him against the wall, and say "Binghe's body is only for me to touch"—but he's getting ahead of himself.

"It's not the only one I've seen. First of all, I have been to the southern demon realm many times, and you must know how indifferent they are about clothing. But if you mean in an intimate setting, I was with Sagramore more than once before you and I came to understand each other. That's how I know that you're special, beyond the fact that I prefer men."