closed post: luo binghe's bedroom

[peaklordshen]

After Airplane's gone, and Liu Mingyan is presumably gone, and King Arthur is gone, and Jiang Cheng is gone, and the Mansion is filled with just the expected people once more, Shen Yuan feels—exhausted. Every time he sets into some kind of normalcy here, makes some kind of plan, feels some kind of way about why he's here, what he's doing, what he wants, something upends the whole thing and throws everything into question again.

Or—well. It's not like seeing Airplane again and meeting Liu Mingyan actually changed anything. It just made it—kind of more real, the idea of leaving here eventually—possibly a soon eventually, now that Luo Binghe has Xin Mo again—and going to her version of things and not to his. Shen Yuan's, Airplane's—well, it was Airplane's version, actually, but not the one with him in it.

Liu Mingyan had seemed so sad. Not actively, not about what was happening to her in the moment, but passively sad, like it was her normal state of being. And she was Empress!! If she was sad, married to Luo Binghe and with all the riches of the Three Realms, what about the normal nobodies of Proud Immortal Demon Way?? He hadn't thought his world was all that different than the original goods, not in the broad strokes, but he'd spent most of his time, well... goofing off, with the other Peak Lords, when he could, and pretty much all of them were dead at Luo Binghe's hand. Who was he supposed to goof off with, when Luo Binghe was too busy being Emperor to have time for him?

The concept of Luo Binghe being too busy for him at all is displeasing enough, and he's man enough to admit that in the mood he's in, what he really wants is to be held. So he's sitting on Luo Binghe's bed, in Luo Binghe's bedroom, idly flipping through Luo Binghe's copy of Veiled Moon and waiting for him to come back.

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[peaklordshen]

Binghe is clearly trying to hide it, but he's shaking, a little, and his face is wet. The tenderness in Shen Yuan's chest slips away into anxiety. He smoothes Binghe's hair back from his face. "Hey," he says, "hey, was that--was that not good--"

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe shakes his head fervently. "It was perfect—you were perfect, I loved it, I—" He wipes at the corner of his eye. "Can I ask you something?"

[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan kisses him right under the eye, where he'd just touched. "Yeah, of course."

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe tugs him a little closer. "Do you believe me now? When I say that I love you? Have I—have I done enough for you to trust me?"

[peaklordshen]

Something cracks in Shen Yuan's chest. He takes a breath. God, he's been so preoccupied with his selfish little problems, and Binghe this whole time has been--what, thinking he has to complete loyalty trials or some shit?? He's the worst boyfriend in the history of the universe.

"I--I'm sorry," he says, "god, I--yes, of course I believe you." Luo Binghe introduced him to Liu Mingyan. They've been dating for weeks, and Binghe's been so sweet and wonderful the whole time, and--"This whole time, I made you feel like you had to prove yourself--Binghe, that's so terrible--"

[protagonisthalo]

"It's not," Luo Binghe says, although a fragile bubble of joy swells inside him at Shen Yuan's reassurance. "It isn't terrible—of course I have to prove myself. I'm—I'm trying so hard, to be the right person for you, and—when you do things that make me so happy"—his voice cracks—"I just feel so scared that it can't last, or that I haven't earned it. I—I've made things hard for you. With your friends."

[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan pushes at Binghe insistently until he's flat on his back and Shen Yuan is laying on his chest, looking sternly up into his face. "It doesn't matter," he says firmly. "You're my boyfriend. They can deal with it, and if they don't, they're not very good friends." He reaches up to run a thumb over Binghe's cheek. "Besides, it's not like I don't have practice defending you to people."

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe shivers, temporarily distracted from brooding by a strong jolt of arousal. He half-lowers his eyelids, affecting shyness, guessing that it will inspire tenderness in Shen Yuan. "I like it when you're forceful with me." Especially when Shen Yuan is forcefully telling him he likes Luo Binghe more than everyone else.

[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan tsks, his cheeks heating, but it's not really Binghe's fault--he is naked and on top of him right now, and honestly he's mostly relieved Binghe hadn't asked what he meant. He's not sure he'd be able to explain I spent hundreds of hours online chewing people out for talking shit about you when you were just a fictional character to me while still coming across as like, cool and sexy and not a total loser dork.

He presses a soft kiss to Binghe's jaw, pulling back to something he'd said earlier. "You don't have to try to be the right person for me, Binghe. You just--you just are the right person for me."

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe is helpless not to start crying again. He's given up trying to control himself around Shen Yuan; it's impossible, and his emotions only seem to make Shen Yuan more attentive, never repulsed. "You're the right person for me. And—I'm so happy to hear you say that. But Shen Yuan, you're the only person who thinks so. I'm not very popular," he says with a breathy, humorless laugh. Even Nina thinks he needs to change, although she is kind and understanding about it. "The way I am isn't well-suited to this place—to act in my usual ways has caused nothing but trouble—and I'm worried that it's not well-suited to you. Because you're so kind and loving, you care about so many people, and I'm selfish and possessive, and I can't be any different."

[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan brings his other hand up to Luo Binghe's face to catch his tears, smoothing them away. "It isn't your fault," he insists. "No one here understands the world you come from--the ways you had to be, to survive there. But I do. I've read it, Binghe. We--we joke about it, but I really do know, and I knew before we even met."

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe's breath catches. It's exactly what he was trying to explain to Nina, as far back as the dispute¹ with Claudius. It's not so easy for him to just let things go, or be kind, like it seems to be for everyone else here. He cannot react in a measured way to slights—he must punish everyone who acts against him with tenfold the force, because otherwise he would long ago have been killed. By palace assassins, by false allies, or by Shen Qingqiu himself.

And it's not easy to be hated for his cruelty. But he also cannot change himself to be liked. If he's learned anything from his pathetic childhood, it's that doing so never works, and only leads to being both hated and miserable. It's better to simply be hated. He's believed that for ten years, and never had reason to doubt it before coming here. This is the first place that's made him question himself, and he has even tried to make small changes—to be more merciful, and less quick to anger—but it's only causing those buried insecurities to resurface. It might never be enough, and Luo Binghe will force himself into some unnatural shape only to end up still alone.

But Shen Yuan is saying that there's another option: to be loved even now, without effort. Strangely, it is the thing that has most made him want to change. Not to earn Shen Yuan's love, but simply to give him the best version of Luo Binghe possible.

"It's hard for me to believe," he says. "Because I want that so much, and I have never been able to have what I want without fighting."

¹...

[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan shakes his head. "But you have fought for it," he says. "Your whole life. You've fought to stay alive in a world that hated you, all so you could one day end up here, where I can--I can try to make you happy." He flushes when he says it; it seems like kind of a shitty reward for a lifetime of hardship. He bites his lip and pushes Luo Binghe's hair back from his face. "You don't have to keep fighting now. You can rest."

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe turns his face into Shen Yuan's shoulder with a sob, openly crying like he hasn't since he was a child. He wraps his arms around Shen Yuan's back. The relief is painful, like his fears are leaving scars as they tear their way out of him. Maybe that's also Shen Qingqiu's fault. That Luo Binghe is so maladjusted, so poorly suited to life, that everything has to hurt, even happiness. It doesn't matter, though, not with Shen Yuan to hold him. "I'd do anything for you," he sobs, "anything—I want to make you happy too."

[peaklordshen]

"Shhh," Shen Yuan soothes him, smiling a little into his hair. "I know." It's so sweet of Binghe to make this a two-way street, but he doesn't have to. He holds him tight, running his hands over Binghe's back, and lets him cry it out.

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe keeps expecting something to go wrong. He's looking for the cracks in the porcelain, but no matter what he does, Shen Yuan continues to be good and loving and perfect. Maybe he's right, and this is what Luo Binghe was always struggling for without knowing it. If so, it has all been worth it.

He lets himself cry for some time, giddy with the knowledge that Shen Yuan will hold him for as long as he does. Even after he stops, he stays burrowed into Shen Yuan's arms, greedy for as much comfort as he's allowed. He always wants more from others than they're willing to give; even those he's closest to tire of him before long. He is too intense, too moody and pessimistic, too needy. Yet Shen Yuan pours his affection into Luo Binghe like there is no end to it.

[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan would happily fall asleep like this, Binghe tucked into his arms, except that whenever he opens his eyes Xin Mo is still radiating at him. He frowns, trying to ignore it, but even with his eyes closed he can feel it, a watchful presence that gnaws at the edge of his spiritual awareness like a thousand evil little termites. Finally he takes a breath. "Binghe," he says. "Can I--just--let me do something for a sec." He attempts to gently disentangle himself.

[protagonisthalo]

"No," Luo Binghe says petulantly, clinging to him tighter.

[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan laughs. His boyfriend is so cute. He kisses him on the head again, twice, and then again on the tip of the nose as he squirms (nakedly, he might add) out of bed. He feels ridiculous--he's never just had his dick out so casually in front of someone before--as he rummages through the pocket of his jeans and produces the white, talisman-inscribed leather he'd asked Liu Mingyan for while Binghe was off fetching Airplane earlier.

He wraps Xin Mo in it, careful not to actually touch the blade--he doesn't think anything would happen unless he actually tries to wield it, but still--and then crawls back into bed, immediately much more comfortable.

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe burrows back into Shen Yuan's arms, rubbing his shoulders to warm him up—his skin is cool from the air outside the bed. He gazes sleepily into Shen Yuan's eyes. "It bothers you?"

[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan bites his lip at the unbearably adorable softness in his eyes. How can you look at someone with a hundred hazy stars in your eyes while asking such a plot-relevant question?? How is he supposed to concentrate enough to answer?? "It--worries me," he confesses. "A little. I know it's your sword, but--"

[protagonisthalo]

"I understand that. Xin Mo is volatile. It's not an easy sword to manage. But..." Luo Binghe cups Shen Yuan's cheek. "I don't like being unarmed. There was someone here today who was more powerful than me, at least without Xin Mo. If he had threatened you..."

[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan blinks. "Here today? You mean, like, one of the visitors?" He does a mental list, but the idea of any of the ones he met--King Arthur, Jiang Cheng--being stronger than Binghe is laughable. "Who?"

[protagonisthalo]

"A demon looking for Crowley." He makes a face. "I tried to fight him, and he turned into a cloud of maggots. And then regenerated as though I'd done nothing. Luckily, he left on his own—but you don't know what could happen here. I don't want to be vulnerable." He bites his lip. "The only thing that I don't like about having Xin Mo here... is that I want things between us to be for us. Not for my sword." He had no compunctions about using his wives to sate Xin Mo, as long as they were willing, which they always were. But Luo Binghe frequently slept with his wives for practical reasons–curse-breaking, politics, and so on—so appeasing Xin Mo was just one more. Even if Luo Binghe doesn't mind Xin Mo's bite, he doesn't want to feed it Shen Yuan's qi.

[peaklordshen]

"Oh, I don't mind that," says Shen Yuan, immediately, and then goes red. "I mean--obviously I want things to be, um, for us, but if it stops Xin Mo from hurting you, it's worth it, obviously." He hesitates. "And you're right about, like. The unpredictability and potential dangers here. I just--"

How does he say, 'I worry about what Xin Mo may encourage you to do,' five minutes after fiercely reassuring him it doesn't matter if he does everything like he would have back home?? Even though both things are true, they sound totally at odds!! Luo Binghe will go back to thinking Shen Yuan needs him to be different, when really he just wants him to be happy. He shakes his head, and cuddles closer.