closed post: luo binghe's bedroom

[peaklordshen]

After Airplane's gone, and Liu Mingyan is presumably gone, and King Arthur is gone, and Jiang Cheng is gone, and the Mansion is filled with just the expected people once more, Shen Yuan feels—exhausted. Every time he sets into some kind of normalcy here, makes some kind of plan, feels some kind of way about why he's here, what he's doing, what he wants, something upends the whole thing and throws everything into question again.

Or—well. It's not like seeing Airplane again and meeting Liu Mingyan actually changed anything. It just made it—kind of more real, the idea of leaving here eventually—possibly a soon eventually, now that Luo Binghe has Xin Mo again—and going to her version of things and not to his. Shen Yuan's, Airplane's—well, it was Airplane's version, actually, but not the one with him in it.

Liu Mingyan had seemed so sad. Not actively, not about what was happening to her in the moment, but passively sad, like it was her normal state of being. And she was Empress!! If she was sad, married to Luo Binghe and with all the riches of the Three Realms, what about the normal nobodies of Proud Immortal Demon Way?? He hadn't thought his world was all that different than the original goods, not in the broad strokes, but he'd spent most of his time, well... goofing off, with the other Peak Lords, when he could, and pretty much all of them were dead at Luo Binghe's hand. Who was he supposed to goof off with, when Luo Binghe was too busy being Emperor to have time for him?

The concept of Luo Binghe being too busy for him at all is displeasing enough, and he's man enough to admit that in the mood he's in, what he really wants is to be held. So he's sitting on Luo Binghe's bed, in Luo Binghe's bedroom, idly flipping through Luo Binghe's copy of Veiled Moon and waiting for him to come back.

Comments

[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan has no time to process this--Binghe likes-- because with the added slickness and steadier rhythm he's suddenly disastrously close to the edge. His hips twist, fucking helplessly up into the circle of Binghe's hand, and he's gasping, unable to get a full breath in his lungs. The bite has his toes curling in shocked pleasure, his socked feet sliding against the floor on either side of Binghe's hips.

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe kisses him. Shen Yuan has yet to wipe his face, and feeling how messy he is—and tasting himself—has Luo Binghe moaning into his mouth, shoving his tongue deeper as he strokes mercilessly.

[peaklordshen]

Binghe's moans shake through Shen Yuan, sending him careening over the edge. The orgasm must reactivate some left over unexecuted keysmash in Shen Yuan's brain, because as he comes back to himself he's sucking on Binghe's tongue like he's still blowing him, lewd and mortifying. He stops immediately, softening it into a more respectable but still breathless kiss, his whole body trembling.

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe is already half-hard again. He breaks the kiss—then dives back in, unable to help himself, pressing several more kisses to Shen Yuan's mouth before he pulls back for real. He brings his hand up to his mouth and deliberately, showily, licks it clean.

[peaklordshen]

"Binghe," Shen Yuan protests, though what exactly he's protesting he doesn't know. Maybe just the generalized circumstance; they're both just--sitting on the floor, dicks out and (in his case) soft, kissing, like--like--

He feels overwhelmed, embarrassment and tenderness warring in his chest. "You," he starts, "that--um, thank you."

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe bites the inside of his lip, perilously close to tears again for no reason that he can name. "I'm only happy I can please you. I, ah—"

The absurdity of the situation finally, faintly registers—Luo Binghe has had sex on dozens of floors, but rarely right next to a bed. He tucks himself away and stands unsteadily, his muscles still weak from orgasm and his insides shaky with emotion. Then he extends a hand to help Shen Yuan up.

[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan takes his hand, letting Binghe pull himself to his feet. "Just--give me a sec," he says, and lets go of him to peel his increasingly uncomfortable jeans and underwear off, and then he's Winnie the Pooh-ing it, which is ridiculous, so he takes his shirt off, too, and then he's too cold, so obviously he has to get into Binghe's bed and pull Binghe after him. "Okay," he says, and kisses him on the way. "Okay, hi."

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe flushes at the kiss—still, after what they've just done—and wraps his arms around his boyfriend. Shen Yuan is so warm, and somehow feels exactly right in Luo Binghe's arms, like he's just the shape that fits there the best. Luo Binghe is so grateful, so improbably happy. He turns his face into the pillow, trying to hide it as tears slip out.

[peaklordshen]

Binghe is clearly trying to hide it, but he's shaking, a little, and his face is wet. The tenderness in Shen Yuan's chest slips away into anxiety. He smoothes Binghe's hair back from his face. "Hey," he says, "hey, was that--was that not good--"

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe shakes his head fervently. "It was perfect—you were perfect, I loved it, I—" He wipes at the corner of his eye. "Can I ask you something?"

[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan kisses him right under the eye, where he'd just touched. "Yeah, of course."

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe tugs him a little closer. "Do you believe me now? When I say that I love you? Have I—have I done enough for you to trust me?"

[peaklordshen]

Something cracks in Shen Yuan's chest. He takes a breath. God, he's been so preoccupied with his selfish little problems, and Binghe this whole time has been--what, thinking he has to complete loyalty trials or some shit?? He's the worst boyfriend in the history of the universe.

"I--I'm sorry," he says, "god, I--yes, of course I believe you." Luo Binghe introduced him to Liu Mingyan. They've been dating for weeks, and Binghe's been so sweet and wonderful the whole time, and--"This whole time, I made you feel like you had to prove yourself--Binghe, that's so terrible--"

[protagonisthalo]

"It's not," Luo Binghe says, although a fragile bubble of joy swells inside him at Shen Yuan's reassurance. "It isn't terrible—of course I have to prove myself. I'm—I'm trying so hard, to be the right person for you, and—when you do things that make me so happy"—his voice cracks—"I just feel so scared that it can't last, or that I haven't earned it. I—I've made things hard for you. With your friends."

[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan pushes at Binghe insistently until he's flat on his back and Shen Yuan is laying on his chest, looking sternly up into his face. "It doesn't matter," he says firmly. "You're my boyfriend. They can deal with it, and if they don't, they're not very good friends." He reaches up to run a thumb over Binghe's cheek. "Besides, it's not like I don't have practice defending you to people."

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe shivers, temporarily distracted from brooding by a strong jolt of arousal. He half-lowers his eyelids, affecting shyness, guessing that it will inspire tenderness in Shen Yuan. "I like it when you're forceful with me." Especially when Shen Yuan is forcefully telling him he likes Luo Binghe more than everyone else.

[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan tsks, his cheeks heating, but it's not really Binghe's fault--he is naked and on top of him right now, and honestly he's mostly relieved Binghe hadn't asked what he meant. He's not sure he'd be able to explain I spent hundreds of hours online chewing people out for talking shit about you when you were just a fictional character to me while still coming across as like, cool and sexy and not a total loser dork.

He presses a soft kiss to Binghe's jaw, pulling back to something he'd said earlier. "You don't have to try to be the right person for me, Binghe. You just--you just are the right person for me."

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe is helpless not to start crying again. He's given up trying to control himself around Shen Yuan; it's impossible, and his emotions only seem to make Shen Yuan more attentive, never repulsed. "You're the right person for me. And—I'm so happy to hear you say that. But Shen Yuan, you're the only person who thinks so. I'm not very popular," he says with a breathy, humorless laugh. Even Nina thinks he needs to change, although she is kind and understanding about it. "The way I am isn't well-suited to this place—to act in my usual ways has caused nothing but trouble—and I'm worried that it's not well-suited to you. Because you're so kind and loving, you care about so many people, and I'm selfish and possessive, and I can't be any different."

[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan brings his other hand up to Luo Binghe's face to catch his tears, smoothing them away. "It isn't your fault," he insists. "No one here understands the world you come from--the ways you had to be, to survive there. But I do. I've read it, Binghe. We--we joke about it, but I really do know, and I knew before we even met."

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe's breath catches. It's exactly what he was trying to explain to Nina, as far back as the dispute¹ with Claudius. It's not so easy for him to just let things go, or be kind, like it seems to be for everyone else here. He cannot react in a measured way to slights—he must punish everyone who acts against him with tenfold the force, because otherwise he would long ago have been killed. By palace assassins, by false allies, or by Shen Qingqiu himself.

And it's not easy to be hated for his cruelty. But he also cannot change himself to be liked. If he's learned anything from his pathetic childhood, it's that doing so never works, and only leads to being both hated and miserable. It's better to simply be hated. He's believed that for ten years, and never had reason to doubt it before coming here. This is the first place that's made him question himself, and he has even tried to make small changes—to be more merciful, and less quick to anger—but it's only causing those buried insecurities to resurface. It might never be enough, and Luo Binghe will force himself into some unnatural shape only to end up still alone.

But Shen Yuan is saying that there's another option: to be loved even now, without effort. Strangely, it is the thing that has most made him want to change. Not to earn Shen Yuan's love, but simply to give him the best version of Luo Binghe possible.

"It's hard for me to believe," he says. "Because I want that so much, and I have never been able to have what I want without fighting."

¹...

[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan shakes his head. "But you have fought for it," he says. "Your whole life. You've fought to stay alive in a world that hated you, all so you could one day end up here, where I can--I can try to make you happy." He flushes when he says it; it seems like kind of a shitty reward for a lifetime of hardship. He bites his lip and pushes Luo Binghe's hair back from his face. "You don't have to keep fighting now. You can rest."

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe turns his face into Shen Yuan's shoulder with a sob, openly crying like he hasn't since he was a child. He wraps his arms around Shen Yuan's back. The relief is painful, like his fears are leaving scars as they tear their way out of him. Maybe that's also Shen Qingqiu's fault. That Luo Binghe is so maladjusted, so poorly suited to life, that everything has to hurt, even happiness. It doesn't matter, though, not with Shen Yuan to hold him. "I'd do anything for you," he sobs, "anything—I want to make you happy too."

[peaklordshen]

"Shhh," Shen Yuan soothes him, smiling a little into his hair. "I know." It's so sweet of Binghe to make this a two-way street, but he doesn't have to. He holds him tight, running his hands over Binghe's back, and lets him cry it out.

[protagonisthalo]

Luo Binghe keeps expecting something to go wrong. He's looking for the cracks in the porcelain, but no matter what he does, Shen Yuan continues to be good and loving and perfect. Maybe he's right, and this is what Luo Binghe was always struggling for without knowing it. If so, it has all been worth it.

He lets himself cry for some time, giddy with the knowledge that Shen Yuan will hold him for as long as he does. Even after he stops, he stays burrowed into Shen Yuan's arms, greedy for as much comfort as he's allowed. He always wants more from others than they're willing to give; even those he's closest to tire of him before long. He is too intense, too moody and pessimistic, too needy. Yet Shen Yuan pours his affection into Luo Binghe like there is no end to it.

[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan would happily fall asleep like this, Binghe tucked into his arms, except that whenever he opens his eyes Xin Mo is still radiating at him. He frowns, trying to ignore it, but even with his eyes closed he can feel it, a watchful presence that gnaws at the edge of his spiritual awareness like a thousand evil little termites. Finally he takes a breath. "Binghe," he says. "Can I--just--let me do something for a sec." He attempts to gently disentangle himself.