Luo Binghe's breath catches. It's exactly what he was trying to explain to Nina, as far back as the dispute1 with Claudius. It's not so easy for him to just let things go, or be kind, like it seems to be for everyone else here. He cannot react in a measured way to slights—he must punish everyone who acts against him with tenfold the force, because otherwise he would long ago have been killed. By palace assassins, by false allies, or by Shen Qingqiu himself.
And it's not easy to be hated for his cruelty. But he also cannot change himself to be liked. If he's learned anything from his pathetic childhood, it's that doing so never works, and only leads to being both hated and miserable. It's better to simply be hated. He's believed that for ten years, and never had reason to doubt it before coming here. This is the first place that's made him question himself, and he has even tried to make small changes—to be more merciful, and less quick to anger—but it's only causing those buried insecurities to resurface. It might never be enough, and Luo Binghe will force himself into some unnatural shape only to end up still alone.
But Shen Yuan is saying that there's another option: to be loved even now, without effort. Strangely, it is the thing that has most made him want to change. Not to earn Shen Yuan's love, but simply to give him the best version of Luo Binghe possible.
"It's hard for me to believe," he says. "Because I want that so much, and I have never been able to have what I want without fighting."
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And it's not easy to be hated for his cruelty. But he also cannot change himself to be liked. If he's learned anything from his pathetic childhood, it's that doing so never works, and only leads to being both hated and miserable. It's better to simply be hated. He's believed that for ten years, and never had reason to doubt it before coming here. This is the first place that's made him question himself, and he has even tried to make small changes—to be more merciful, and less quick to anger—but it's only causing those buried insecurities to resurface. It might never be enough, and Luo Binghe will force himself into some unnatural shape only to end up still alone.
But Shen Yuan is saying that there's another option: to be loved even now, without effort. Strangely, it is the thing that has most made him want to change. Not to earn Shen Yuan's love, but simply to give him the best version of Luo Binghe possible.
"It's hard for me to believe," he says. "Because I want that so much, and I have never been able to have what I want without fighting."
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