Shen Yuan (peerlesscucumber)

He sighs. "I don't like myself very much. I never have. I was a burdensome sickly child, and then a surly young man, and--" A pause, during which he's thinking about his conversation with Laertes the day before. "The man I was in love with was very good at cutting me down to size. I had been drunk a handful of times in Constantinople and it made me feel less sullen and more pleasant to be around, and, Christ, everyone in Britain drinks. The water's no good, and half the year the day is short and there's nothing to do. I drank a great deal with other people and after a while I drank a great deal by myself as well, especially when we were fighting, and Jesu knows we were often fighting. People seemed to like me better, or perhaps I just felt as though they liked me better, and in any case I always feel as though I'm thinking too much, I can never stop thinking, and the more I drink the more I can quiet myself down." He sighs again, not looking at Shen Yuan: he can imagine how Laertes would look if he'd said all this to him. He doesn't want to see it on Shen Yuan's face any more than he does on Laertes'. "It's easier than learning how to live with myself, I think."